I lost myself in my family and I have to find it

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I explore my family to analyze my past self. I am impacted by my family's environment, like a tree that cannot live without soil. I have older sisters and younger sisters. My family does not have a very special experience; it is just a common Chinese family. I didn't have a strong sense of presence in my family. Throughout my life, I have always followed the path set by my family. I would study whatever they told me to study. I just had to work hard and get good grades in the schools they planned for me. I have been living a step-by-step life, and I didn't feel anything was wrong before. I only knew that my goal was to make them feel at ease and that my family was all for my good. But gradually, I felt like a rag soaked in a sink. Over time, it would stink from the inside out.

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I express my intuitive emotions through painting. My emotions towards my family are vague, uncertain, and even nervous. However, this does not mean that I hate my family. It is just that, so far, I am full of doubts about the family environment. Because this is different from what I have learned in textbooks since I was a child. It should be full of sunshine and laughter, but I feel more helpless and depressed. I once asked my classmates around me whether their situation was similar to mine or worse than mine. There is a saying in China that "every family has its scripture," which means "every family has its problems and needs." I want to say that home is everyone’s harbor, but it is also a scar that many people keep silent about.